Behind the Green Eyes











{April 24, 2012}   advice needed

Okay, so I need some advice. I’ve been editing a manuscript that I wrote a few years ago about a young woman’s life through her own words. It’s a story told through her blog and journal entries. Here’s my problem, now that I’m going back through and finally editing it I realized that it’s kind of boring. I mean I can make it spicier I’m sure, but my problem is that I’m not sure if I want to waste my time on this if I’m not even sure if it will be interesting enough for anyone else to read. See the young woman is 24 and engaged to one man while trying to have a friendship with another that she used to love. She’s had a LOT of pain in the past and she starts the blog to deal with the pain of the past. But now she’s also using it as a way to sort out her feelings for her fiance and her friend (who by the way isn’t really her friend, he just wants her in his bed, but it takes her a while to realize this). This is her story to finally realize what she wants to do with her life, and how she plans on becoming the woman she wants to become. So I’m just wondering if I should waste my time editing this book and trying to get it published or if I should just leave it alone and go back to writing the story that I love, but am just having trouble writing right now.

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{April 16, 2012}   creative writing course

so who knew that there were so many creative writing classes from several different universities available for free online. I didn’t. I decided to do some research to see if maybe I could find one that would help me with my descriptive writing on mostly my scene and settings. Only when I did the search did I find the abundance of classes that are available. I’m definitely  going to be taking some of these classes, it can only help me a better writer. I’m excited for this, I’m just trying to find the perfect class for me.



{April 14, 2012}   Dear Mr. Jim

Mr Jim

You’ve always been a great friend.

When the chips were down,

Your hot liquid that burned my throat and chest 

Were there to make me feel

Like the world didn’t exist.

As your taste 

Hit the back of my throat

I knew it wouldn’t be but just a few more shots

from your long necked bottle

To make me forget all the pain. 

You’ve never lied to me

You’ve instead

Always been there to comfort me.

You’ve loved me

As I have you. 

Your burning flavor

Comforts me

You understand me in my time of need.

I love the feel of your warm liquid

Trespassing my body,

Sending me into a numb state

As I forget all the pain

Of this incredibly horrible day.

Mr Jim

There’s no one quite like you

No one who can comfort me

The way you do.

And for that I will always love you

As I know you will me..

 

 

This is a poem that I just wrote on the fly after a couple of shot of Jim.. yes it’s funny, it’s meant to be that way.. I’m actually going to use this as inspiration in my book when the main character gets a little to drunk after a horrible day and has no one to turn too… 



{April 13, 2012}   love poem

Okay so the other day I was trying my best to write a poem that wasn’t my usual black cloud poems, sparked with anger, depression, and sadness. I wanted to write a love poem, which I haven’t done in so many years that I honestly can’t remember when the last good one was written. Anyways this was the best I could do with a love poem. Honestly, I’m better at writing dark poetry than I am at happy ones…

 

I look in your eyes

I see the truth in there

The truth in your heart and soul.

You don’t always say the words

And sometimes I wish you said them more

But looking in your eyes I see it there.

The love we share

We’ve both made mistakes in the past

But we can’t live with regrets.

Time has changed us both

Yet our love has never changed.

I hold your hand,

You caress my shoulder.

Your gentle touch

Reminds me that even in the toughest of time

Our love is enough.

Your arms guide me safely to sleep

Where the nightmares stay away.

Your arms, our love

That is my safety.

Our love is all I need

Even when the world around us

Seems to be falling apart

Tomorrow will be a new day

And our love will always stay.

The truth in your eyes

Is all I need

To reassure me.



{April 12, 2012}   first chapters of new project

okay so i’ve reworked some of the new project that i’m working on. i’m actually liking the way this is playing out. Keep in mind that the flashbacks are from each character’s point of view. When the time comes there will be a point of view of the accused of what he remembered happening the night he’s accused of raping the main character’s friend. But in order to get there you have to know the background story first which is where all the flashbacks start. so here’s the start of the first two chapters (oh by the way chapter 1 is a little short because I had the idea for chapter 2 in my head before i could finish chapter 1. And of course chapter 2 is just getting started). Feedback welcomed:

Chapter 1

ADA Davis was a lean dark haired man. He’d prosecuted many crimes, this one was just another notch in his belt. But this time it was more than that to so many others who watched him make is way to stand in front of the jury as he began his opening argument.

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, over the next few weeks in this courtroom you will hear a lot of testimony. You will be provided with the facts, showed the evidence that our detectives have gathered, and then after all that, you will be asked to decide if this man is guilty of the crimes he is charged. Did Mr. Damien McGee, a known MMA fighter, with the strength to stop any woman from fighting back, no matter how hard she tried, commit rape in the first degree, as well as attempted rape? And I believe that when you hear and see all the evidence you will see that yes this man is indeed guilty on all charges”

Jeanna found herself starring at the defendant, and trying to tune out the prosecutors words.  Damien looked different, stressed; maybe he had even lost a few pounds.  The man she knew so well, yet maybe doesn’t know at all. She wondered how they had come to be sitting here in this courtroom, with him about to stand trial for the worst possible crime committed against women, and with her to testify as a witness for the prosecution instead of for him. The prosecutor continued to speak but Jeanna had lost all interest in what he was saying. She found her eyes on the man she had come to know, she thought rather well. There he was conversing with his lawyer; she still had trouble wrapping her head around the fact that the man she had considered her friend, a man she once thought she loved was accused of these heinous acts. Soon her mind was wondering back to where it all began.

It was a very hot July day as I walked along the sidewalk of the streets of Memphis on my way back to the apartment I shared with my fiancé Bobby. I had been working night and day for the past week trying to finalize every last piece of my book that I had been working on since I’d graduated from college last year. Now at the age of 23 I was finally about to make my lifelong dream come true.  I finally had an editor who was actually interested in something I had written and wanted the first copy next week to forward to the publishers to see if they were interested as she was.  I’d been so busy over the past week making sure everything was perfect that I’d barely had any time for Bobby. Bobby and I had met when I was a junior in college and he was a rookie fresh out of the Police Academy. Now he’s been on the force for three years, and hoping to make detective soon. At 25 he is very ambitious and strong, and I loved that about him. He knew what he wanted and knew how to get there. I was so proud of him and new that he’d make a wonderful detective. He’d been working a lot of hours as of late also, so we hadn’t had a lot of time together for a while. My constant working this past week had only stretched our time together even thinner.  We’d been together the past three years and now we had a December wedding to plan, and we were way behind on the wedding planning. All I needed to do was get this book finished and then I’d be good to get back into my wedding planning, and I knew that he had a few days off coming up soon, so we’d get back to our selves soon.

            But for now I needed to get back home to meet with him before his shift started tonight. I wanted to surprise him with a nice dinner for just the two of us. I was mentally planning the perfect dinner for this evening when my phone buzzed in my pocket indicating I had a new text message. As I pulled the phone out of my pocket to read the message I had no idea totally forgotten to pay attention to where I was going. The message was from Bobby, he had just woken up and was wondering where I had wondered off to. He had expected me to still be holed up in the spare bedroom in our apartment that I had turned into my home office where I’d basically spent the past week. So to find me gone at 12 in the afternoon had actually surprised him. Bobby was wonderful, he knew how important this book was to me, and he supported me completely.  I know I had neglected him a bit over the past week, but he never uttered a word about it. He was absolutely perfect. I was juggling the bag of groceries in my hand and sending him a reply letting him know I was almost home, completely oblivious to anything out, when I literally ran into something, or maybe the more appropriate word was someone.

 

 When our two bodies collided I nearly stumbled backwards and almost dropped the bag of groceries I had been juggling along with my iPhone. But before I could actually fall to the ground two strong arms snaked around my back catching me and stabling me upright along with my bag of groceries and cell phone. I could feel the heat of the blush tinting my cheeks I looked up at the man who thankfully kept me from falling flat on my backside.

“I’m so sorry, I was staring at my iPhone and not paying any attention to where I was going” I said shyly to the man who I now realized had the most beautiful blue eyes I’d ever seen. It’s wasn’t just that his eyes were beautiful, it was the way he was looking into my eyes, it was as if they were seeing into my soul.

“It’s quite alright, I’m just as much to blame as you are. I wasn’t paying any attention either. Apparently my blackberry should have come with a warning that said Danger to health when walking down the street trying to text.” The man replied with such smoothness in his voice that my knees nearly went weak, but his reply also made me laugh because it was true, texting while walking down the street could be a hazard apparently, you never knew when you’d literally run into someone.

“Yea I agree, you never know when walking down the street texting it may be your last because you just plowed straight into some guy who just happened to be doing the same thing” I said with a giggle. As soon as the sound escaped my lips I covered my mouth with my hand that was still holding my cell phone and mentally smacked myself, I couldn’t believe I was giggling like a teenager to this man I had just ran into.  Here I was a 27 year old woman and I was giggling like I was still in high school.

“Well at least I got to meet a beautiful woman out of my mishap, I’m Damien” he replied with smoothness in his voice, once again making my legs go weak at the knees, as he extended his hand to me.  

I extended my hand to him and taking his hand in mine, I attempted to get my jitteriness under control, “I’m Jeanna. But I should really get going though I have a lot of work to do.” Why I was so jittery I couldn’t explain, but what was even worse was that I had just lied to this man. I wasn’t in a hurry to get work done, I was supposed to be going home to meet my fiancé. He’s the one I should be thinking of, not this gorgeous man standing in front of me making me feel flustered and nervous like a teenage school girl.

“I understand, once again I am sorry Jeanna about running into you like that. I promise from now on no texting while walking down the street.” he said with a smile.

“Thank you Damien, I’ll do my best to do the same. See you around Damien” I replied trying to mask the nervous butterflies that were about to eat me away.

“Oh I do intend to see you again Jeanna” he said as she walked away. The way he said it only added to the butterflies that I hadn’t felt in my stomach for years. The last time I’d felt that way was when I’d first met Bobby. Who by the way, was probably in our apartment waiting on me, wondering what was taking me so long. As I walked away from the mysterious Damien, I knew I’d have a lot of calming down to do before I could walk through the door. It had been so long since someone had made me feel so flustered, and it definitely a strange and foreign sensation to me.

The walk back to my apartment after meeting Damien was a short one. I was only a block away when I’d physically run smack into him. So as I walked away from him, I was walking at a much slower pace than I had originally been walking. I hated feeling this way about a complete stranger, but if I was being honest at the same time it was exciting. It had been a long time since I’d felt this way that it was almost as if it was completely new to me. But it was wrong I knew that, more than anything. I was happily engaged to Bobby, we were getting married in December. I loved him, and he loved me. Nothing could ever change that. As I got off the elevator on my floor and walked down the hall the few feet to my door I was much calmer, and ready for a wonderful evening with Bobby, at least until had to leave to go to work.

 

            About five minutes after we had finished dinner, Bobby got a call to go into work early. So I cleaned up our small kitchen by myself, when I had finished I found a box of wedding magazines. Not in the mood to do any writing or reviewing tonight, I figured now was a perfect time as any to get started on the planning. But the task of planning a wedding by myself was a daunting one, so I picked my cell phone up and texted my best friend and Maid of honor Jennifer. She agreed to meet me at her place to start the wedding planning. Our date was only five months away and so far the only thing we had picked out was our invitations and my dress. So much more needed to be done. I grabbed the huge box of wedding magazines, and my car keys, and headed out the door hoping no one was coming out of the elevator, because the box was so large I was having trouble seeing over it.  I hadn’t even made it the few feet down the hall to the elevator, when for the second time today I ran into someone.

 Chapter 2

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, Damien McGee is an honorable man” the defense attorney began, as he approached the jury in his high priced Armani suit. “The prosecution would like to try him based on his decisions and judgments he’s made in life. He’s made mistakes, we all have. But he has never once hurt any woman, and we intend to prove to you that the man that is currently on trial for these heinous crimes is indeed innocent and the real criminal is walking around still a free man.”

Damien should have been paying attention to every word his lawyer was saying to the jury, after all the man was trying to save his future and keep him from spending the better part of said future out of jail. But instead his eyes looked around the large courtroom and landed on the woman he hoped would save him with her testimony. Hell he knew she wanted to, but even her testimony may not have been enough to save him, while she didn’t want to believe that it was him that was responsible for what had happened to the other women or the one that had been stalking her, he knew part of her had given up on that hope long time ago. Damn, her husband the detective would be more than happy to share his testimony, hell he had wanted Damien out of his wife’s life for years now. As his eyes lingered longer than they should have on her, he too began to think back to that first day.

I’d been living in this Memphis for a few months now. I was actually begging to really enjoy being here. When I ran into her that first day, my first thought was to yell at her and tell her to watch her the fuck she was walking. Although it was just as much my fault for starring at that stupid blackberry as it was hers. But the moment I looked up at her, I lost all train of thought, she was absolutely gorgeous. I’ve met many women but none of them compared to her. When her checks blushed that shade of pink I thought what was left of my heart was going to explode, and that cute little giggle that escaped her lips, was actually sexy as fuck. If I had been paying more attention to where I was going instead of staring at that stupid blackberry I never would have bumped into her. Hell for once in my life I was thankful that everyone I knew was being a pain in my ass today with all their texting. But after I let her walk away I like an idiot, I didn’t even get her number, or her last name. All I know is that her first name is Jeanna, and I was sure as hell going to be late to the gym.

            The gym was a complete bust that day. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. The other guys totally kept me on my ass all day. The only thing I could think of was her. When I made it back to my apartment building I checked the mail and then headed up the elevator to my apartment. I swear I hadn’t made it 10 feet off the elevator when I physically ran into her again. Once again I was paying attention to my stupid blackberry and not where I was walking. My coach wanted to know why I wasn’t on my game today. I was quickly sending him a text back letting him know that I just needed to clear my head and I’d be ready for the fight by Friday night, when bam. My body ran straight into something, or should I say someone. 

            I looked up to see her beautiful face once again looking at me over a box. I placed my hands on her shoulders to steady us both and then said with a smile, “well it’s obvious I broke my promise to never walk while texting again.” Once again she let that sexy giggle escape her mouth and it made my heart and other places do a little dance having had the desired effect. Something about this girl had my heart thumping to it’s own beat. I knew deep down that she was different than the other girls, I could feel in deep with by bones. There was no way she could be just another one night stand. No, she was more than that. 



{April 11, 2012}   writing

So I’m trying to write a poem, just to get my thoughts flowing, but i’m having a problem.. I can’t seem to write anything that even remotely sounds good…. I wonder why it is that when i’m feeling down and depressed, guilty or hurt I can write some pretty awesome poems (yea i have some that aren’t that great then too, but my awesome ones come when i’m in my black cloud).. But when I’m happy everything I write sounds cheesy and like utter crap.. All I want is to write something good, that doesn’t require me to be in my black cloud as i call it.. Guess if i really want to write a new poem i’m going to have to channel the blackness..



{April 9, 2012}   things went a l…

things went a lot better today, drama free evening in fact… Got a lot of work done around the house, so tomorrow should be all good to get some more writing done.. Made a good amount of progress yesterday morning before  the Easter festivities and before all the drama started.. So I’m gonna call it a night early tonight, my allergies are being a pain in the ass, but i cannot wait to start writing in the morning. 



{April 8, 2012}   blowing off steam

Well, all my energy has been drained. I was so excited earlier to be working on this new project, I had tons of ideas and thoughts, and was ready to pick back up from this morning and begin working again. But that all changed. The next door neighbors had to start their shit up again. Needless to say it pissed me off to know ends. Nothing ruins your day quicker and drains your energy more than stupid people running their stupid mouths and doing shit to piss me the fuck off.. I was so fucking geared up for a fight but of course they are comfortable yelling and screaming on their property when there are 10 of them and one of me. Put as soon as my mother in law walks down to have my back they all shut the fuck up and just give me dirty looks.. God they are a bunch of chicken fucks. You wait till my husband leaves to start shit, then as soon as i have someone to back me up again you shut the fuck up… If you wanna do shit then do it. But really you’d rather wait until there’s 4 girls and 6 boys versus just me? really what the fuck? I’m not that bad ass i swear. Even with 1 other person to back me up, i’m sure you’d still take my ass considering that every one of you mother fuckers are twice the size of me. But still! Quit running your fucking mouths, stay off my property, and let my children have some piece. I swear to you if one of you so much as looks at my kids the wrong way, i’ll have your fucking heads. I didn’t yell once while you had children outside, in fact i never yelled at all. So if you wanna do something do it.. Just leave my children out of it.  And if it’s gonna be a man to do it at least have the balls to do it when my husband is around instead of acting like a pussy and doing it when it’s just me. 

Yea i know i’m still pissed, but trying to calm down now….. going to watch some left 4 dead you tube videos with my kiddos.. Why left 4 dead, because my children have a strange obsession with that game and all of the videos on you tube.. Oh well anything to see them smile, and of course their smiles make me feel better…



{April 8, 2012}   new project:

okay, so this is a new project i’m working on. I usually don’t do suspense stories like this. but i’ve had this idea, so i’m running with it. Please let me know if it even sounds interesting to continue. I don’t want to be writing something that’s not interesting. I could use some help with this one. Thanks to everyone who reads this. so here goes….

 

 

The courtroom was so quite you could have heard a pin drop as the prosecuter rose to give his closing arguments.

            “Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I’ll make it short, I just want you to realize the truth, and the truth is that Mr. Damien McGee is a sadistic violent rapist, who will stop at nothing to get his next victim.  The defense wants to paint Mr. McGee as a wonderful, gentle human being, but that is simply not who he is.  Over the past few weeks you have heard testimony from witnesses, saw the evidence, and heard from the victims themselves that all points to the fact that Mr. McGee is in fact a rapist, and therefore he should be sitting behind bars where he belongs.”

He continued to speak, but Jeanna had lost all interest in what he was saying. She found her eyes on the man she had come to know, she thought rather well. There he was conversing with his lawyer, she still had trouble wrapping her head around the fact that the man she had considered her friend, a man she once thought she loved was accussed of these heinous acts. Soon her mind was wondering back to where it all began.

 

 

It was hot that day as she walked along the sidewalk on her back to her house. Jeanna’s phone buzzed in her pocket indicating she had a new text message. As she pulled the phone out of her pocket to read the message she had no idea of the man that was walking down the street towards her also not paying attention to where he was going. When their two bodies collided Jeanna nearly stumbled backwards but before she could actually fall to the ground two strong arms snaked around her back catching her and stabling her upright. With a blush tinting her cheeks she looked up at the man who thankfully kept her from falling flat on her backside.

“I’m so sorry, I was starring at my phone and not paying any attention to where I was going” she said shyly to the man who she now realized the most beautiful blue eyes she’d ever seen.

“it’s quite alright, I’m just as much to blame as you are. I wasn’t paying any attention either. Apparently my blackberry should have come with a warning that said Danger to health when walking down the street trying to text.” The man replied with such smoothness in his voice that her knees nearly went weak, but his reply also made her laugh because it was true, texting while walking down the street could be a hazard apparently.

“Yea I agree, you never know when walking down the street texting when it may be your last because you just plowed straight into some guy who just happened to be doing the same thing” Jeanna said with a giggle. As soon as the sound escaped her lips she mentally smacked herself, she couldn’t believe she was giggling like a teenager to this man she had just ran into.  Here she was a 26 year old woman and she was giggling like a teenager.

“Well at least I got to meet a beautiful woman out of my mishap, I’m Damien” he replied with smoothness in his voice, once again making Jeanna legs go weak at the knees, as he extended his had to hers.

Taking his had in hers Jeanna attempted to get her jitteriness under control, “I’m Jeanna. I should really get going though I have a lot of work to do.”

“I understand, once again I am sorry Jeanna about running into you like that. I promise from now on no texting while walking down the street.” , he said with a smile.

“Thank you Damien, I’ll do my best to do the same. See you around Damien”

“Oh I do intend to see you again Jeanna” he said as she walked away. The way he said it gave Jeanna butterflies that she hadn’t felt in her stomach for years. The last time she’d felt that way was when she’d first met her fiancé Bobby. Who by the way was probably now back at their apartment waiting on her. She’d have a lot of calming down to do before she could walk through the door. It had been so long since someone had made her feel so flustered. She was left feeling like a teenager all over again, it was definitely a strange and foreign sensation to her.

 

 

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, while the prosecution would have you believe that Damien McGee is a cruel heartless man, nothing could be further from the truth. You have all heard testimony hear over the past few weeks of the horrible acts that were committed to these young women. Acts that should have never have happened. But I assure you ladies and gentlemen that Damien was not the man who committed those acts. You’ve heard our side of the facts, you’ve heard his witnesses. He’s had his share of women yes, but never did he have to force any of them. He did not in anyway commit anhy of these unspeakable acts. He’s a loving and caring man, he could never hurt a woman. And if you convict him then you will be sending an innocent man to prision while the true rapist goes free. Thank you”

Damien should have been paying attention to every word his lawyer was saying tto the jury, after all the man was trying to save his future and keep him from spending the better part of said future out of jail. But instead his eyes looked around the large courtroom and landed on the woman he thought would have saved him with her testimony. Hell she had tried, but even her testimony may not have been enough to save him, after all she had been testifying for the prosecution, while she didn’t want to believe that it was him that was responsible for what had happened to the other women or the one that had been stalking her, he knew part of her had given up on that hope long time ago. Damn, her husband the detective was more than happy to share his testimony, hell he had wanted Damien out of his wife’s life for years now. As his eyes lingered longer than they should have on her, he too began to think back to that first day.

 

I’d been living in this new city for a few months now. I’ve met many women but none of them were as beatutiful as she was. When her checks blushed that shade of pink I thought what was left of my heart was going to explode, and that cute little giggle that escaped her lips, was actually sexy as fuck. 



{April 5, 2012}   done for the night…….

I really need to take a break. I’ve spent the last two hours working on some writing for my book. I’m trying to finally get it finished. While I’ve made quite a bit of progress, I’ve also managed to put myself in a depressed mood. I’m remembering things I don’t want to remember. Remembering pain that I’d thought I’d long ago buried, but more than that there’s guilt. And I hate that more than anything.  So I think I’m done for tonight.. Maybe tomorrow I can write without all the emotions. Right now I’m not sure how i’ll ever be able to finish this book, cause it’s just to hard to do when I’m feeling like this. I hate it. I really really hate it…….



et cetera