walk down memory lane

I’ve spent the last hour doing what I said i would do. I’ve been writing, and it’s been really good. I’ve actually been able to work on my book that I’m writing. This book is based on my real life experience. While not everything in the book is factual, the majority of it is. So that has been taking a walk down memory lane so to speak. And believe me that’s not easy. I regret most of this time in my life, I really wish i wouldn’t have acted the way i did, most importantly I wish I woudn’t have put myself in the situation that I did to begin with. While yes everything worked out in the end, I came so close to losing everything, one wrong decision and I wouldn’t have the life I have and love today. The choices i made back then, the hurt I caused the person I love the most, the pain i inflicted on myself, all that still makes me want to cry even now as I’m writing this. But I’ve learned from the past. I’ve learned from my mistakes. I know I’m stronger for it, I just wish I hadn’t made the mistakes to begin with, because see here’s the thing about me. I still live with the guilt of those mistakes of the pain I caused to the most wonderful man in the world. He’s forgiven me, we never would have survived the getting married or the last 9 years together. But that mistake still haunts me. I fucked up months before our wedding, I allowed someone to get to know me, to make me believe the lies he told. And i ended up causing more pain than I can ever truly forgive myself for.   Maybe that’s something I should work on, forgiving myself. Ugh, it’s a long story. And I’m sure i’m not even making sense anymore, i’m just writing the rambling thoughts that are in my head. I hate when the guilt starts eating at me. Even 9 years later you still haunt me.